tinasauer's Blog

 I used to wonder what that feeling was, I always knew something was missing in my life and I just couldnt figure it out. I always wanted more, something in my emotions craved more of something. I have gone around like this for close to three years but recently it had increased, almost depressing. My gut was telling me that my husband was hiding something from me. Then my logical mind was telling me "no its just my own fear, ignore it, only look at whats in front of me" My feelings towards my husband has been changing, I kept telling myself it was just a phase and to hang in there and we will come out stronger. I have a hard time looking at him without picking him apart(in my mind), I dont want to kiss or even be near him. I know this could be devasting to a relationship and dont want to have a tragic ending, so I mention to him that I think it is important that him and I spend some time together. (As much as it might kill me)  He says "ok that sounds good". Who knows if it will happen or not. I do know that I have started to swallow my words and keep my thoughts bottled up. I felt like I was becoming a huge nag. I felt like I was talking to a wall. He hasnt ever been a good listener. He does have ADD and I understand his mind is consumed with constant thoughts, but for Hell's sake. There will be times when I tell him something important to me and then an hour later he will act surprised or unknowing. He'll ask for my opinion and I dont know why I even say anything because you can tell in his eyes that he is not listening. I think he may just want confirmation on his idea. I decided just to agree, I decided not to bother expressing my deep thoughts or feelings. It is starting to cause resentment and distance between us. But honestly I dont think he even notices. Discussing this with my therapist she has told me that the "the missing feeling, and the thought of him hiding something, is me" I suppose I"m the one hiding something, and it is a missing piece for my happiness. I am a highly sensitive, hopeless romantic and a deep thinker, and I was expecting him to be the same way. I was trying to get him to connect with me on an extremely emotional level, or to show love the way I needed him to. Well, as I look at him, I realize what I see is what I get. I find that the average male is a simple being. Me I'm a little to complex. I'm just going to have to accept that he is who he is. He is a great guy, he loves me, he is a good provider, is that enough? I am married so I'll have  to figure some way for me to get my emotions filled other than from my spouse. I dont quite know how yet but I need that connection and bond.  I start school next week so maybe keeping myself occupied will help me forget about my missing piece.

I often wonder why I go through times when I think alot about my ex-boyfriend? When I met him, for the first time in my life I felt an instant connection. I looked at him and knew there was a reason for him and I. I try to keep telling myself it was because I needed an angel to help me through one of the toughest times of my life. But a part of me doesnt believe that. I miss him much. I am married now so dont think its a good idea for me to reach out to him. I will just take life as it is now, and what was meant to be will be. Why do I miss and obsess about him? Not sure if it was his beautiful eyes, the way we had so so much fun. Never boring. I will just continue to remind myself of why we broke up and focus on the negative aspects of the relationship. Maybe just a part of me is extremely bored with my marriage. He is a good guy and loves me dearly but......

 What can I say? Figuring out love and marriage is always difficult for me. One minute you think you are in heaven and finally got it all. Then on other days, you wonder how you ever thought you two were compatiable.  I guess there is a certain point in a relationship when the honeymoon is over.  We have been together only three years but just recently I started seeing things in a new light. I often wonder if I made a mistake getting married, I was in the process of having a nervous breakdown, but now I have been through therapy and feeling good about myself and life I feel like we are not compatible. I worry that I may have made a mistake making such a committment. But I will stay I dont believe marriage and divorce should be taken as lightly as people in today's world make it. I'm also so very grateful for him standing by me in my lowest point of my life.  Maybe this is a totally normal cycle in a healthy marriage. I suppose if you hang on during these rough times it will strengthen you even stronger, overall.

 What can I say? Figuring out love and marriage is always difficult for me. One minute you think you are in heaven and finally got it all. Then on other days, you wonder how you ever thought you two were compatiable.  I guess there is a certain point in a relationship when the honeymoon is over.  We have been together only three years but just recently I started seeing things in a new light. I often wonder if I made a mistake getting married, I was in the process of having a nervous breakdown, but now I have been through therapy and feeling good about myself and life I feel like we are not compatible. I worry that I may have made a mistake making such a committment. But I will stay I dont believe marriage and divorce should be taken as lightly as people in today's world make it. I'm also so very grateful for him standing by me in my lowest point of my life.  Maybe this is a totally normal cycle in a healthy marriage. I suppose if you hang on during these rough times it will strengthen you even stronger, overall.

I went to college and was living in a dorm. At first I didnt have a roomate, but shortly  I had a young british male staying in my room. Cant tell if he is just visiting or moving in. Slithering out from under my bed was a brown and black snake, very long and mean. I was scared. I instantly remembered that if you squeeze both sides of the head the snake wont be able to strike at you. So, I quickly reached down and grabbed him by his head and squeezed as hard as I could. It was taking all my strength and started to realize that it was tougher than it looks. The male that was in my room was just watching me as I struggled with the snake. A little later a couple of faceless friends stopped by and started to help me chase the snake around the room. (not sure how I let it go) At one point the snake had slithered up my closet and in between my hangers. It was moving so fast I couldnt grab it.

I woke up this morning wondering what the hell does that dream mean? The more I thought about it the more it made sense. My step daughters mom has this tendency to keep asking for more and more money. We pay child support on time every month. She is married to an Attorney which they are not hurting in ways of money but for some reason she likes to make up stories, of them being so broke she had to borrow money from her dad to get groceries and wanted to know if we could send more money. That is just an example. I hate that my husband doesnt get to see his daughter more frequently because she lives across the country but when it comes close to her being able to come out for a visit the stories and the calls increase. I love my step daughter she is a cutie, but her mother and grandmother are quite a handful. I know its not unusual for there to be problems with blended families, but.... For some reason I let that woman get to me. And I think my dream is telling me to stop fighting it or letting her affect me the way I do because this is going to be going on for a long time. I'm just not sure how to stop it. Her mother is an ex stripper (from Vegas) so not sure how much extra work she put into it! Until she married this attorney and her reason for getting married and moving our little girl across country was that "getting married is just easier" I guess its easier than selling your body! I cant trust her at all. She even faked a cancer diagnosis once to manipulate us. WTF who does that? Sometimes I wonder if she is crazy, on drugs or what. She looks normal when I see her but looks can be deceiving. I worry about V because she is a pre teen and she may turn out like her mom, and there isnt much I can do about that except try to show her morals, stablilty and a healthy relationship. Because overall she isnt a bad mom, maybe overbearing and materialistic and controlling but is not neglecting or abusing V, so cant take that to court. I just have to cross my fingers that everything is going to work out. In therapy I have been taught to write dreams out and give them an ending I want to bring closure.

finally I grab the snake by the sides of the mouth and I am able to squeeze as I see venom squirting out of its mouth it doesnt scare me. I notice the texture of the skin, the color and how harmless it can be and that it is more scared of me than I am of it. But I know longer wanted to feel unedge of something possibly crawling on my bed or surprising me in anyway, so I lay the snake on the ground and grab an ax and chop its head off. I watch as the body still curl but I am aware that the snake will not longer be able to hurt, affect, or surprise me. And I felt such a relief to know I am in control and am able to control what affects me. There may be another snake or another surprise but I now know that I will be able to overcome that as well.  

I'm so bored. I found this web site for highly sensitive people and wanted to chat with someone but dont know how.  Anyone want to chat?

I'm so bored. I found this web site for highly sensitive people and wanted to chat with someone but dont know how.  Anyone want to chat?

• To feel a smile. I'm mean a real smile where your unaware of physically smiling but is a response to your  emotions of joy. Very few times in my life I can say I have felt overwhekmed with joy that I cried.  No, I didnt win the lottery or just got married or delivered a child. I went to Thanksgiving at my parents house.  This year has been so hard, I have been on a journey for my mental health. I suffered alot of PTSD, it has been rough in order for me to cope and make it through everything I isolated myself, only interactly with my 12year old and my husband. I kept everyone else at a distance and totallly stopped speaking to my parents due to some hositily I was hold towards them.  Well any how I made a trip to my parents house to talk to them after the year of not speaking and it was an open ended conversation and I was able to express myself and to receive validation for the issues set some boundaries, so I would no longer be afraid of contact with them.  It went great I felt empowered I felt content I felt like it is time to move forward with the dad issues. And I'm having some health issues and happen to be having surgery this week so was going to skip it all together but the whole family decided to do it Sat . As I walked into their house I didnt feel fear and I felt at peace. The whole family was there and having a great time. I saw an uncle that has been gone for 20 years or more. And being able to be there and have anxiety from the PTSD gone the world was perseved  totally different. I felt happy. Which isnt a world I can frequently use until Lately. I really think I'm healing I really think I'm so close to moving on to the next chapter in my life. I have cleaned out the past, learning to think differently and to like myself. Only downfall right now is a couple days every week or two I get sick with depression but we are working on my meds to see if we cant get that handled. My life has never improved so much, I wonder if this is how the rest of the world feels?  I'm not scared of people. I dont always think the bottom is going to fall out, I dont think everyman is horrible and untrust worthly. It is quite freeing to get rid of all that bagage. It has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through, there was a time in the journey I could take it anymore and tried to give up on life. but  I guess it wasnt in the plan so I kept working and working, crying and crying, therapy and more therapy. I never thought it would end I thought that is just how my life is and  that I will just need to deal with it. They didnt give up on so I didnt and I'm so glad they didnt . Wow the weight of the world is gone I feel light, I feel peaceful, I feel in love, I feel grateful  things I never was aware of..... AAAWWWEEEE